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A Book By Manik Joshi

 

 

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001. Sign Language

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

002. Dead Dog

 

Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.” The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene. Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog. They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief. “This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it. “I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.” “It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

003. Magic Trick

 

Two thieves each sneak into a rich man's party. During dinner the thieves marveled at how even the cutlery was made of gold, and both decided they would try to steal some. The first thief quietly slipped a golden spoon into his pocket, unaware that the second thief had witnessed this crime. After dinner, the second thief comes up with a way to steal a golden spoon without suspicion being placed on him. He picks up a golden spoon identical to the first and holds it up in front of the party-goers explaining he wishes to show them a magic trick. "And now..." he speaks to the crowd and points towards the first thief, "I will put this spoon into my pocket, and remove it from this gentleman here's own pocket!" 

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

004. Picture of Wife

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why is it so? 
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how difficult I look at your picture and the problem gets disappeared? 
Wife: How miraculous and powerful I am for you!
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

005. Pardon

 

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on. 
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess". 
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, I love you". 
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years. 
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess. 
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?" 
And the princess said, "Pardon?"

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

006. Marriage Anniversary

 

When David and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." 
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. 
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. 
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $2,445.50 in cash. 
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" 
David thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." 
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together." 
They hugged and made their peace. 
A little while later, Hillary asked David "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
David answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

007. Rest In Peace

 

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion. He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of cold drink and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: Congratulations on your new location!"

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

008. Unanswered

 

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Washington to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searched the internet. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and acquaintances he knows. But to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

009. Damn Ugly

 

Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says, “My God, Aunt Edna why are you so damn ugly?” His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen and screamed, “How could you say to your aunt that she is so damn ugly! “Because she is,” said Little Johnny. His mother said, “You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you’re sorry!”Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Edna, I am sorry you’re so damn ugly.”

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

010. Dog Bite

 

A Man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper: "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "You just said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

 

Best Jokes: I Have Ever Heard - 800 Jokes

 

 

END OF THE SAMPLE

 

 

Price [eBook]: $0.99

E- Book Listing

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Italy Japan
Canada  Australia

Also Available In

Price [eBook]: $0.99

Brazil Mexico

[Exclusively Available At Amazon Kindle Store]

 

 


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